The magic number is 29/33 (29/34 is okay for jeans).
Sometimes I feel like an alien, a forgotten species in a land of burgers and fries. Dockers sell khakis that would fit two of me; Macy's decide not to carry trousers narrower than 30" at the waist; Express's "extended" sizes are either still too short or still too wide. Just because I don't have a waist, just because my hips are near non-existent, and just because I drank enough milk during puberty to out-grow my entire genealogical tree, doesn't mean I don't deserve to put on a well fitting pair of pants!
The way I see it, I have about four solutions:
1) Eat more, sleep more, exercise less, gain a couple of inches and/or love handles.
No. Just no.
2) Get custom-made pants.
This would solve one problem (I'd get pants that fit my body) and introduce another (I'd get pants that don't fit my budget). A derivative of this option would be to find something off the rack and take it to a tailor. I might eventually do that, but something about going to a tailor alone scares me. What if he uses terminologies that escape me? What if the tailoring costs more than the pair of pants itself? What if he's part of a mafia? And so on.
3) Go European. Go designer.
Apparently, Europeans' impeccable metabolism makes their waistlines immune to the nine-course tasting menus, or something. Why else would Diesel be selling 26" jeans? Despite the size availability, though, I've never been able to justify the purchase of a $250 pair of denim. Of course, their prices dip only after the skinny folks finished their raid.
On the other hand, I've had some luck at a recent Rag & Bone sample sale. I'm kind of a n00b when it comes to these kinds of chaotic, grab-and-pay mobs, so in a semi-trance I had my credit card swiped for a few more dollars than I'd like to admit. Nevertheless, I got two pairs of trousers and two pairs of jeans that fit very well. Heck, I didn't realize one of them was raw selvedge until I got home and had a closer look. Yes, I was that overwhelmed.
4) Head down to Uniqlo.
Cheap, basic, and slim. 29/34 galore. Free 24-hour alteration service. 30-minute subway ride. Just some of the reasons Uniqlo is currently my go-to store in NYC. My only complaint is that most of the pants and jeans sit below the waist (and I'll dedicate a post to low-rise bottoms...). Meh, you can't have the cake and eat it too (...no, this expression still does not make sense to me).
All in all, I think I'll go at this in reverse order: shop at Uniqlo until one of those crazy warehouse sales comes along, and maybe one day I'll gather enough courage to find me a tailor. Then, eventually, I'll cave in and just get fat. Then I'll have to shut down the blog.
Question: Where do you go when you need that perfect pair of trousers that hug your waist and break on your oxfords exactly where they're supposed to?
